(I thought it was ‘bout time I write something again because I love writing here. It’s like a diary that everyone can read.)
Lately I’ve been doing something very harmful to myself – indulging in daydreaming. It sad how when you’re done daydreaming, reality soon sets in and you’re back where you started. At the bottom, wishful thinking. Truth be told I’m hopelessly besotted, and no, not drunk but in love. I guess slightly drunk in a metaphorical manner, ha-ha. I continuously come to this conclusion but I never do anything about it – why? Well, because I don’t want to scare him away and seem like a stalker or something other. It kills me though. I feel suspended in the way that I don’t know if he knows how I feel.
Let me take to what’s currently in my head provided with a good playlist, yes? Here’s thy playlist.
1. Wu Lyf – Heavy Pop.
2. The Naked and Famous – Birds.
3. Daughter – Youth.
4. Alpine – Villages.
5. Bombay Bicycle Club – You Already Know.
6. Lykkie Li – I Know Places.
7. The Drums – What We Had.
8. The Twelve – Works For Me.
9. XXYYXX – About You.
10. The Middle East – Blood.
11. Balam Acab – Dream Out.
12. James Blake & Bon Iver – Fall Creek Boys Choir.
13. Youth Lagoon – Posters.
14. Passion Pit – Swimming In The Flood.
15. Baths – Animals.
I think we’re all guilty of daydreaming and maybe some of us slightly ashamed of what we daydream about – that’s why I don’t hear people talking about it. It may be a personal thing, you know? When you daydream, what do you daydream about? I want to take you to a place inside my head. This is what I think about all the time – I paste up and down my garden with music in my ears just wishful thinking-away.
You see, when we meet again I want it to be randomly. I want to go to the club and bump into him and then (if any of you have watched 500 Days of Summer – you know when the screen does two shots of reality and expectations – then it goes into that Regina Spektor song, Hero, that goes: no one’s got it all. Well these are my expectations) we talk and talk and talk. We talk a lot and we have a drink, his friends are dancing and so are mine. He leans over and tells me he’s going to dance and I kindly say I’m going to have a smoke. I let him have time with his friends.
This is where the dreaming comes in. After a few minutes he walked outside and I’m sitting there smoking a cigarette. He silently walked over and sits down and we talk more. We laugh. I smile contagiously because we both know I find him irresistible. The street lights pretend to be stars and grow higher into the sky. I tell him to come with me. I grab his hand and run down streets (in slow-motion, wink), cross traffic, over bridges…to an empty parking lot. We play with the shopping trolleys and laugh more. The space is big and empty and possibly endless.
He gets tired and so do I, we lay down and the concrete and talk more and more. We talk about everything but nothing important. It’s 3am and we have several missed-calls from our friends and agree to go back to the club. We see them. We say goodbye. We go home separately.
Now, in reality I sit here and burn right through books. I read them and get bored because there’s nothing else to do. I sit at home and drink coffee, smoke cigarettes. I sit and wallow in my loneliness and it’s not exactly a bad thing because a great amount of my inspiration comes from it. I’m a happy person I like to believe but I am a lonely person. Everyone around me seems to be in a relationship, my friends, my family. What about me? I’m stuck with myself
I want to live my daydreams, I want to go to New York – I want to see him again in Cape Town. I want to build a fort with sheets and shirts on top of a shitty building and have candles lying round – I want our first proper date to be there. I want to make art all day and visit the beach, taste the sea. I want to smoke cigarettes and read books and drink coffee, yes. The simple things are important to me but I crave something more than an end.
I’m sure in time it’ll with come. I am still young and youthful but I’m scared I’m going to miss out on it if I arrive to late into life. I don’t want to be stuck anymore. I don’t want to worry about money but it feels like everything revolves around it sadly. I’m not rich, I struggle and I’m awkward around people. I’m paranoid. All that matters to me right now is starting my life and I don’t want to fuss around – I want it to happen now. I want to be with him.
I will see him again, soon – maybe. One day. Possibly never again but hopefully everyday.
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