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I’ve never given destiny a chance. I used to come across so many coincidences, always reminding myself that they were only coincidences. How many people I used to dream about, long before I knew that one day they would become such an important part of my life? How many random songs used to ramble around my head and right after that, sung softly by some stranger at the street? So many people from my past who would come back to my life in a so ironic way it was impossible not to notice. Recently, I read a book that helped me build up my vision about coincidences. We pass through them every day, but we rarely give them any importance. Sometimes, we don’t even notice. When we stop to realize, we get disquiet, we feel as if there is something above us, a spirituality, an excitement, a mystery that, in so many ways, it’s hard to comprehend.
When I met him, at a bar, I thought “rude”. So rudely charming, though. His hair would call a lot of my attention. They were black, trackless and wildly devoid of paths to follow. So, so formidable and captivating, falling naturally over the blindness of one of his eyes. Tiny little eyes, slanting eyes, disquieted and indignant. But beyond any other description, thoughtful eyes.
But simply, we didn't get along. And we didn't want to. We were just hoping that the night could end as soon as it was possible. I spent almost one year without ever talking to him again, but, once in a while, he would insist on showing up in my dreams. I probably have never told him that. I just couldn’t understand how such a random person, who I had only spoken with once (if you can call that speak), could appear so frequently in my dreams. And it would make me a lot disquieted. It have also contributed to not get him out of my head. Sometimes, I would caught myself thinking “one day, I’ll be with him”, but, at the same time, I knew it wouldn’t happen. Besides, I used to think he hated me. And, for god’s sake, I was at a relationship at the time. And probably, so was he. What the actual hell was I thinking about? Why did dreams afflict me that way?
Months passed by and, after almost a year, we ended up talking for some reason. Then, we started talking frequently. Still, I would think “Cold...”. I still can’t remember the reason why we started having those conversations, but they became more frequent after our respective relationships started to decay. I was enjoying all of this.
After he broke up, we started seeing each other. We just wanted to talk. Probably, more than that, but I still couldn’t believe it was all happening. I started feeling as if I needed him beside me. He wasn’t that “cold monster” anymore. He was completely the opposite.
He would always tell me “you are too beautiful to be sad”. He would also say “don’t ever let anyone tell you you are not”.
I wouldn’t feel it as a tease. I felt comforted. Not only that. He would always show me reasons to live the fullest. And I dropped it all. I dropped it all to be with him, and I regret nothing. I admit I didn’t have a clue, even in those days, that we could work out so greatly. Today, it has been almost one year since I have those arms, so adorably pale and skinny, around my body when I go to sleep. Differently from all of my other relationships, I can’t get enough. I want more. I want this inspiration every day, inspiration for my texts and poems, for my drawings and paintings, inspiration for my work. I want his poems, to fill me with even more with pleasure and joy, I want his melodies, to fill me with life and I want his words, to fill me with wisdom and flame.
Of all of the “coincidences” I've been through, this story is the one that always puts a smile on my face.
I feel full.
I feel completed.
Now, I simply face the fact that, I can get everything I want to.
And I’m grateful.
And. no, there are no coincidences in real life. We are exactly where we need to be.
And in this melody, I carry on, feeling minutes as days to pass, having thrown those away, when I didn’t have you, rambling in reasons, so silly reasons, pretexts and excuses to see you.
to villafan with love.
[This is the park (in the picture) where we first hanged out together (secretly) to talk about life]